Goodnight Cat

“Set sail to the furthest horizon! You shall not know the smell of the sea until you’ve sailed as I have and I will not rest a weary eye until you have done just that!” the captain yells, his thick neck rumbling with his words like a washing machine. His pants are worn thin around the knees and bottom, his shoes are black spray painted Nike’s. On his knit white captain’s shirt there’s a name tag that reads, “Duckston’s Amusement Park- Hi! My name is Captain Ahab“.

A group of tourists in different colored duck hats look around confused as what to do.

The captain lifts his great peg leg on top of a box of “stolen booty” and looks up to the sky, shading his good eye, “Grab the oars men! Row!! Row like your life depended on it! You think it doesn’t? Who told you it didn’t?!”

The tourists do just that, they each take an oar and row like their lives depended on it.

A voice comes over an intercom that’s been disguised to look like a skull encrusted with jewels, “Please keep your arms and legs inside the moving ship at all times.”

The captain lets out a barreling laugh, “The gods are pleased!”

The boat shakes and begins moving on its underwater track.

“Yes!” he cried, “We move like the wind on the back of a great stampede of whales! By this rate we’ll be in Albania by nightfall, but wait!”

He shades his eye once again and his hairy grimace drops to a most forsaken frown, “Pirates!”

Another ship adjacent to theirs scattered with animatronic pirates shake their fiberglass swords and yell angry jests recorded thirty years ago. Their cannons begin firing bursts of air, flashing yellow and red.

The captain draws his mighty sword, “Men! Do not abandon hope! It is my oath to my loyal crew that these damn pirates will not board this ship! Send them home with broken peg legs and ripped eye patches! Hoorah!”

One of the tourists whispers to his friend, “You know I think that sword is real.”

And with that, the overweight captain swings screaming, clutching tightly to a knotted prop rope to the other ship. Swing after swing he fights with the pirates. Doing most of the moves himself, he ends up sweaty, swinging wildly, knocking off heads and voice boxes over the edge of the ship and into the shallow water. The tourists look on in awe. Every once in a while they hear him gasp for air, saying something along the lines of “Nothing personal! Not everyone can be a hero!”

All of the sudden the clouds cover the sky, a dark mist flows over the shallow water and fog drags in thicker than blood. The animatronics stop, the ships slow and finally rest to a complete drift in the water. The sounds of the amusement park fade and only the captain and the tourists are left in complete silence. Captain Ahab wipes his sword clean of battery acid and places it back into its sheath. His hands sweat, his cape blows settles and clings to his back. Silence, waiting, he’s nearly holding his breath. Through the fog he sees a figure, monstrous and dark. As it approaches the first thing Ahab notices is the shape of his hat, curved and tall, a long peacock feather sticking off the left side. The closer he steps the more he recognizes. From legend. Tales of pirates passed down from ride operator to ride operator. His boots genuine leather, a black vest and sea worn jacket. Chains and chains of gold, silver, and bronze hang from his wrists. Cubic Zarconia rings on his fingers. And a name tag that just confirmed Ahab’s fears, The Dreaded Pirate Craig.

“So, it is you. Captain Ahab” he says with a thick Scottish accent.

The captain smiles wide and half bows over his gut.

“In the boots.”

“Or” the dreaded pirate Craig says with a smirk, “should I call you Eric.”

The captain immediately draws his sword, “no one calls me by that name that values their life! Prepare to die a most rueful demise in the wench that is the sea.”

The dreaded pirate Craig draws his sword as well, “then so be it, this is where it ends.”

Lightning crashes as the two figures clash and jump, duck and stab. Blood and horror in the sky above the tourists. Their faces locked in a stun, not knowing what to think of the situation. The rain pours down and the fighting men. Their eyes never lose contact, their steps perfect, lunges to cue, their sword fighting is an unprecedented art to the modern world. A battle that had waited lifetimes, finally the fight between good and evil commencing in our times, the pirate apocalypse and only one would walk away. Leaving a bloodstained trail for all that would follow. Nothing would survive this battle. There would be no purpose to wars, governments, or laws. This was the struggle to end all other struggles. Many tourists cried, some couldn’t watch. The dreaded pirate Craig never loses concentration, the great Captain Ahab never backs down.

The rain fills Ahab’s lungs, he fights on with the fury of a thousand men. The dreaded pirate Craig follows in the footsteps of all the world’s most evil men. But just as pride sets over Craig gets too cocky. The dreaded pirate half steps instead of quarter steps putting him off balance, sending him spiraling into the dark waters below. Lightning crashes and his screams fade into the deep.

Captain Ahab stands, big and robust, his sword already rusting. The clouds part, the sky becomes sunny and the smell of cotton candy fills the air.

The jewel encrusted skull breaks the silence, “Thank you for joining us aboard Pirate Tours, please wait until the ship has come to a total and complete stop before exiting. Have a nice day.”